How Are You Feeling?
If You’re Not Sure, Keep Reading.
By Arian Dasmalchi, Therapist Serving Marin and Sonoma
Many people grow up in families where emotions aren’t talked about very much. Children may hear things like, “Don’t be so sensitive,” “You’re fine,” or “Stop crying.” In some households, strong feelings are uncomfortable for everyone, so they get dismissed, minimized, or quickly shut down. In other families, emotions are obvious but confusing—there may be big reactions, but no one explains what they mean or how to work with them.
Children who grow up in these kinds of environment often don’t learn the basic language of emotions. They may reach adulthood without really knowing how to identify what they feel, how to talk about it, or how to understand what their emotions are trying to tell them. Instead, they might feel overwhelmed by their emotions, or they might try to disconnect from them altogether.
None of this means anything is wrong with them. It just means they were never taught something that is a very important life skill.
A helpful way to understand emotions is to recognize that they are not just thoughts in your mind. Emotions are whole-body states created by the brain, nervous system, and hormones that prepare you to respond to something important. Feelings are the conscious awareness of those emotional states. A feeling is what happens when you notice and name what your body and brain are already doing.
For example, imagine you suddenly feel afraid. Your heart rate increases. Your breathing grows shallow and faster. Your muscles tighten. Stress hormones are released so your body can prepare to protect itself or move away from danger. All of this begins before you even put words to it. When you later say, “I feel scared,” you are naming the experience your body has begun.
The same pattern happens with other emotions. Joy might bring a sense of warmth or openness in the body. Anger can create energy, heat, and readiness to act. Sadness may slow things down, soften the body, or bring tears. Emotions are not random or irrational—they are part of the body’s integrated system for responding to life.
Because emotions are physical as well as mental, learning how to recognize and talk about them is important for both mental and physical health. When emotions are acknowledged and processed, they tend to move through us naturally. But when they are ignored, suppressed, or never fully understood, they can remain stuck in the body and nervous system. Over time, this can contribute to chronic stress, anxiety, irritability, emotional numbness, and often even physical symptoms.
In therapy, people have the opportunity to slow down and begin noticing their emotional experiences with curiosity rather than judgment. Over time, they can learn to recognize the signals coming from their bodies, understand what those signals might mean, and talk about them to achieve clarity and relief.
Therapy that combines talk therapy with somatic awareness can be especially powerful. Because emotions live in the body as well as the mind, it often helps to explore both. Paying attention to physical sensations, breathing, posture, and nervous system responses can reveal important information about what someone is experiencing emotionally.
For people who have experienced trauma, this kind of integrated approach can be particularly important. Trauma often leaves strong imprints on the nervous system, and simply talking about events is not always enough to fully process them. Approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can help the brain reprocess difficult memories so they no longer feel as overwhelming. Parts work, sometimes called inner-family work, helps people understand the different parts of themselves that developed in response to earlier experiences. These parts often carry emotions that were never fully expressed or understood.
When these approaches are combined with a supportive therapeutic relationship, many people begin to experience meaningful changes. They may feel more connected to themselves, better able to regulate their emotions, and increasingly confident navigating relationships and life challenges.
Learning to identify and talk about emotions isn’t about becoming overly emotional or dramatic. In fact, the opposite is true. When people develop a healthier relationship with their emotions, they often feel calmer, clearer, and more grounded. Emotions become helpful signals rather than overwhelming forces.
Over time, this work can lead to greater resilience, deeper self-understanding, and more satisfying relationships. It can also support physical well-being, because the nervous system is no longer carrying a heavy load of unresolved stress.
If you grew up in a family where emotions were confusing, minimized, or difficult to talk about, you are not alone. And you can definitely learn these skills later in life. Therapy can be a place where emotions begin to make sense—and where meaningful healing can begin.
About the Author
Arian Dasmalchi is an AMFT (#156164) and APCC (#19927), supervised by Laura Rose, LMFT (#83808). She offers trauma-informed therapy that combines talk therapy and somatic approaches, including EMDR and parts work. Arian works with individuals, couples, and families on many issues, including trauma, grief and loss, trauma, anxiety, depression, and issues relating to ADHD. As an associate at Rose Therapy Practice, she sees clients in person in Mill Valley and Petaluma, and she also offers secure video sessions for anyone located in California. Reach out today to learn more and schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
